literature

Positivity Against Reality [Hanji | Levi | Reader]

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StilemaWillow
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Literature Text


You loved to observe him from afar. But it wasn't like you were going to admit that to anybody.

You loved to look at the way his hair would sway or how his nose would scrunch up when he'd hear something he was displeased with. You loved to witness the small flicker in his eyes when something particularly enjoyable had happened to him. You loved to hear the small content exhale of his nose when he'd just received his daily portion of tea.

You loved him. If that was the right way to phrase it.

However, you knew your chances didn't exist.

You lived in a time of war. And even if he found some time for love and affection, you were sure he wouldn't share that romance wih you.

In other words - you weren't that strong, that smart, that kind or that outstanding as a whole. You did enough to survive and you survived enough so you could do things, but nothing else.

It wasn't that you weren't capable, but that you weren't capable enough.

It wasn't that you weren't beautiful, it was that you weren't beautiful enough.

It wasn't that you weren't strong, it was that you weren't strong enough.

And in this case, not having enough is not being enough for the one you'd hope to have a relationship with. Moreover, if that someone was Levi Ackerman.

You sighed everytime when you thought of that particular thing. The fact of who played the role of your love interest. Because frankly, he was much better that you and he deserved so much that you couldn't give him.

He'd often state that he hated himself or that he hated this world. You agreed with the second statement. He didn't hope for a romantic relationship, neither did he care whether he had it or not. And yet, in times when he would voice out his self-loathe, you loved him for both of you and so much more.

Love was a strong word, though.

It wasn't attraction and it wasn't admiration. He wasn't your crush, but neither was he your rolemodel.

You may have admired him, but admiration was so much simpler than what you truly felt for him.

Maybe it was a very deep level of attachment. Yes, that was probably it.

But whatever the exact name, you swore to yourself never to speak of it aloud.

It wasn't embarrassing as much as it was discouraging because you knew that even without having to state it aloud, you'd feel like shit for knowing you were interested in someone so much higher than where you stood.

You may've had the same rank, the same title, the same experience, but truly he was an unreachable guy and your personal preference was to give up the cause before wasting the resources and humiliating yourself after losing the trial.

Today you walked the halls calmly, knowing fully well that you had urgent work to do, but as always procrastinating was your thing when it came to this type of work.

You had to call Levi and Hanji down for the training sessions they were supposed to lead, but you didn't like being the news courier, so you purposely tried to slow down the process of completing that single task you'd been given.

However, even if you walked in your slowest of all paces, you'd still end up in front of his office door and you would knock on it and hear his cold voice allowing your entrance. It was inevitable.

With a snort and a roll of your eyes, you continued you walk and finally stopped after arriving in front of those very same doors you knew you'd end up in front of. You lifted your hand up to knock and you did, three steady knocks were heard in the hallway, but no answer from the inside followed.

You knocked again.

Still no answer.

Regret filled up inside of you so fast after you decided to open the door and look in the office for the corporal. Just so fast.

There he was, inside, straddling Hanji's hips and kissing her neck. She was red in the face and clearly panting, his hand was under her shirt and his shirt was on the floor. They had obviously gotten quite intimate. Actually, so intimate that they didn't even notice the door opening and your figure standing at the entrance.

Not until you coughed into your hand loudly to get their attention at least.

Both their heads snapped in your direction and for a second you were worried for their spines, but it wasn't like you could really care right then. You didn't feel tears, not even anger, just desperation.

You realised you'd been right all this time in your speculations. They were all correct. Levi apparently had time for romance. And since he wasn't even giving you the time of the day once in a week, you wondered was it really that surprising that he wouldn't give you affection either?

You kept a straight face on.

You could see Levi wanted to say something, but he couldn't open his mouth to start. You expected him being more aggressive in such a situation, but obviously you were wrong.

"You're both late for your training sessions." You had announced coldly before spinning on your heel and walking away.

There were no tears, no jealousy, no anger. Nothing. Just desperation.

You could easily rat them out to Erwin for having a relationship, which he would immediately command to cease its existence and the result would be positive, but strangely enough you never did it. And the reason for that was one and one only.

Since all of your speculations were true, then that meant Levi Ackerman could be happy after all if he found somebody he loved. Obviously, if Hanji Zoe was what made him happy then that was more than enough for you.
Firstly, no, y'all, I'm not dead. Not yet.

And secondly, it may sound bitchy, but I hope this made you cry for a healthy amount of time. It's a drabble as it is clealy visible and it's a poor attempt at angst as I'm not sure if it did its work properly in making you emotional, but have it anyways.
© 2017 - 2024 StilemaWillow
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soorinshine's avatar
soorinshine
OH HOW PAINFUL IT IS